As we all know Charlie Sheen is a combination of icky and creepy all at once, but did you know that he is also certifiably insane? Being spawned from aliens and Martin Sheen has only been a liability for him. He has been cursed with the Sheen Stupidity Factor which has weakened his mind over time. This is a man who has abused drugs to legendary proportions, allegedly abused his ex-wife the beautiful Bond girl Denise Richards, and was indeed addicted to hookers. In fact, while still married to Denise Richards, he continued to abuse drugs, and visit hookers. It is obvious to me that the dummening effect and Sheen Stupidity factor has taken over. I ask you, is this a man that anyone should listen to about anything at all?
As wacky and maniacal as Rosie in his nonsensical 9/11 conspiracy theories, he too has chosen to go public with his claims. To suggest that America had attacked itself on that fateful day is absolutely and completely insane. The picture he paints is that our President and other Government agencies not only knew of this attack, but helped plan it in order to start an oil war. Now remember, this is a man whose brain has been made into mush by both his own hand and by genetic defect. My solution to the problem is this…much like the “re-education” of Clooney, so will be the “re-education” of Charlie Sheen. There is one small problem, he is also indeed the worlds only living brain donor. Now then to rectify this I must find a suitable brain to transplant into his tiny skull. To make the claims he has makes not one iota of sense. Therefore he has no brain or any form or fashion of functioning thought patterns. Once I find a brain in which to transplant, he will then be educated as to the truth of the events of that day. It is his only hope for future intelligence.
May I also say that anyone stupid enough to believe anything that this man has to say is worse than someone who has a crush on Hitler, and if there is someone that stupid, then they will be the next on my brain transplant list. Do you hear me Michael Moore?
Are you kinky? Yes/No/Pervotard/How dare you!
Have you ever been kinky? Yes/No/Confused
Have you ever considered engaging in kinkiness? Yes/No/Pervotard
Do you love animals? Yes/No/Too Much
Does the last question make you think of beastiality? Yes/No/There’s a reason why I keep farm animals
What size panties do you wear? Small/Medium/Large/XXXL/What panties?
Would you ever hesitate to demand oral pleasure? Yes/No/DO IT!!
Are you between the ages of 18 and 60? Yes/No/Old Enough
Are you considered to be short? Yes/No/I make midget porn
Are you Latina? (It’s not a requirement but it helps) Si/No/I Likey The Dirty Sanchez
Do you have a full head of hair? Yes/No/I have a lot of fur if that’s what you’re asking
Do you know how to use whips, chains, blindfolds and handcuffs properly? Yes/No/Pervotard/SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOU’RE TOLD!
Do any of these questions make you itch? (Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean) Yes/No/Pervotard/Boy Butter
Are you able to have multiple orgasms? Yes/No/Pervotard/Oh Yes, Yes, Yes!
Are you able to tell the difference between screams of ecstasy and screams of pain? Yes/No/Deaf/Stupid/There’s a difference?
Have you ever attacked a man with a foreign object? Yes/No/GET READY FOR YOUR BEATING!!!
~ALL APPLICANTS WILL BE EXPECTED TO SUBJUGATE THEIR CLIENTS! ~
Applications should be emailed to DogOnCrack@aol.com and should include photos, a short personal history and a resume if available.
Whichever you prefer, there are certain rules for keeping them and they’re different for either or.
I like to keep both myself but that’s beside the point.
For Houseboys : Beat them regularly, feed them only enough to keep them alive and never let them leave the basement.
There’s a reason why locks were invented people.
For Housegirls : Feed them well but not too much unless you like them fat.
Buy them plenty of flowers, jewelry, legwarmers, whips, chains, stuffed animals, etc.
Piss them off only enough to get the right amount of masochistic pleasure you want.
These rules are tried and true.
Trust me!
As you may or may not remember, the last time you heard from me I had just captured George Clooney at his favorite “secret place”, The ManHole. He had just finished his roofie-colada, and was beginning to feel a little more “relaxed” than usual. My houseboy Gerardo then gave me the signal to move in. As Clooney began to fall into sleepy-land, we began to put the genital cuff into place. You see, the cuff must be “snug” enough to cut off all flow and production of testosterone which is later transformed into smugness. This is a very dangerous task, and much caution MUST be used! I was tightening the cuff down when suddenly Clooney grabs hold of Gerardo by his g-string, and threatens to strangle him unless I remove the cuff immediately! Split second thinking is crucial in this situation. As Gerardo moans in both agony and ecstasy, Clooney is momentarily distracted. I then grab for the bottle of “civility” (also known as Miller High Life) sitting on the table, and begin pouring it down Clooney’s throat. You see, the yeast in beer helps to keep Clooney under control by lessening the strength of his smugness. Oh yeah, and it makes him burn and itch down south. So it could be said that George Clooney is a giant walking yeast infection!
Clooney slowly begins to release his grip on poor Gerardo’s g-string, allowing him to escape Cloonster’s grasp. He falls back into his chair and we are able to finish adjusting the genital cuff, putting it properly into place. With Clooney back under control I signal my midget houseboy PePe to quickly pull up in the alley behind the bar. We drag him outside and throw him in the trunk of the SmugMobile (which is a Cadillac specially customized to withstand Clooney’s smugness.) With our mission almost accomplished, we speed off to the “Dungeon” to prepare Clooney for permanent smugness removal. More as the story unfolds….*evil laugh*
Hi! This is me…I’m MetalGirl! Glad you could stop by and check me out! I must warn you that I talk alot of SHIT and this site is not for the faint of heart, the easily offended, or the stupid. Stupid people won’t get it anyway, so fuck em! LOL Ok anyway, back to what I was saying. I’m just a chick from the midwest, South Dakota to be exact, who is 44 and still Hot, and is completely FED UP with the public stupidity of celebrities, the fact that George Clooney and Charlie Sheen are still allowed to act/live, and last but certainly not least, the public AND private stupidity of our fascist/socialist President and his little gang of Marxists!
A little more background about me is… I LOVE 80’s HEAVY METAL, shirtless conservative men, MIDGETS, candy, and oh yeah, guns. The things you will see here may cause extreme excitement, and laughter. I am not responsible for the peeing of anyones pants, nor am I responsible for the pooping of them either! With that in mind, all I can say is CONTROL YOURSELVES PEOPLE!! geez… Ok so lets get started shall we????? *evil laugh*
