GIRL POWER!!!

Take note of who he compares her to, and in what context. He also makes mention of the fact that the rest of the media up until now has treated them like the Black Plague! The fact that Palin/Bachmann are HOT chicks as well as intelligent!! Cool huh? Yeah, I thought so too…

Pervotard: A Definition

~PERVOTARD~

~Noun~

An individual who enjoys, or is aroused by deviant sexual activity, but lacks the skill to perform it properly.  Usually due to inexperience, ignorance, or laziness.

Pervalicious: A Definition

Pervalicious [per-vu-lish-us]

-adjective

1. Acknowledged by the individual or individuals in question as unnatural sexual thought, word, or activity but still immensely enjoyed by them.

Pervocity: A Definition

Hi everybody! I’d like to take the time today to talk about Pervocity, but first I’d like to say this…To all the Nancys out there who I’m about to offend: GET BENT! Ok, now that I have that out of the way, I feel better. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but the definition of Pervocity differs from person to person. Everyone has a line that they won’t cross, and if you’ve done something that makes you feel icky inside, you’ve crossed a line. That said, there are sometimes when crossing the line is a good thing. The definition given here is my opinion only, based on my own experience. So all of you who are easily offended, and those who disagree can go F*#$ yourselves! Now that I’ve alienated my entire audience, I can continue. Pervocity is a funny thing. What’s pervy to one person is just Wednesday to someone else. In my estimation and experience, I have to say that Pervocity is a very good thing. It gets a really bad rap however by those who take it to a icky place. For those of us who know how to exercise good judgement, it can be a wicked little adventure! I have found that the definition lies somewhere between right and wrong, and leans a little more towards the wrong side, but just enough to feel really good. It’s when you get to that place where you completely lose all inhibition, and just act on instinct. God I love that! Anyway, when a person reaches this point there really isn’t much that’s taken off the table. Indeed there are ways to help get to this point, but I’ll save that one for another post. In closing, I will say that Pervocity is different for everyone. I will also say that in my experience it has been the best when I let my guard down and tried something new and unfamiliar. In fact, that is my recommendation to anybody who asks. Within reason of course. Also, you must have a willing partner! LOL! Sorry, I just found that funny. I’m still looking for a partner who’s willing to help me explore female ejaculation! LOL! No, seriously…anyway, If you’re wondering what the point of this post was, then keep thinking because I’m not sure either. I guess I needed a place to talk dirty or something. BTW- Still taking applications for HouseBoy…..Pervocity a must!

The Sheen Stupidity Factor

As we all know Charlie Sheen is a combination of icky and creepy all at once, but did you know that he is also certifiably insane?  Being spawned from aliens and Martin Sheen has only been a liability for him.  He has been cursed with the Sheen Stupidity Factor which has weakened his mind over time.  This is a man who has abused drugs to legendary proportions, allegedly abused his ex-wife the beautiful Bond girl Denise Richards, and was indeed addicted to hookers.  In fact, while still married to Denise Richards, he continued to abuse drugs, and visit hookers.  It is obvious to me that the dummening effect and Sheen Stupidity factor has taken over.  I ask you, is this a man that anyone should listen to about anything at all? 

As wacky and maniacal as Rosie in his nonsensical  9/11 conspiracy theories, he too has chosen to go public with his claims.   To suggest that America had attacked itself on that fateful day is absolutely and completely insane.  The picture he paints is that our President and other Government agencies not only knew of this attack, but helped plan it in order to start an oil war.  Now remember, this is a man whose brain has been made into mush by both his own hand and by genetic defect.  My solution to the problem is this…much like the “re-education” of Clooney, so will be the “re-education” of Charlie Sheen.  There is one small problem, he is also indeed the worlds only living brain donor.  Now then to rectify this I must find a suitable brain to transplant into his tiny skull.  To make the claims he has makes not one iota of sense.  Therefore he has no brain or any form or fashion of functioning thought patterns.  Once I find a brain in which to transplant, he will then be educated as to the truth of the events of that day.  It is his only hope for future intelligence.

May I also say that anyone stupid enough to believe anything that this man has to say is worse than someone who has a crush on Hitler, and if there is someone that stupid, then they will be the next on my brain transplant list. Do you hear me Michael Moore?

Application For Houseboy

Are you now or have you ever been naked? Yes/No/Maybe

Please give a short list of cleaning credentials______________________________.

What size speedo do you wear? Small/Medium/Large/XXXL(it means exactly what you think)

What is your agility/flexibility range on a scale of 1-10, 10 being most agile_____.

Pervocity is not only demanded, it is a requirement and a priviledge. Anyone who does not comply with all Pervocity related standards shall be placed in the Genital Cuff until further notice! THAT WILL SHOW YOU!!!!

Are you accustomed to living in a basement? Yes/No/Where are the shackles?

What awards among Mud Wrestling/Jell-O Wrestling/Baby Oil Wrestling do you hold?__________.

How often do you masturbate? NEVER!/Hardly/Often/Pervotard/Lost Count/Broken Wrists

Do you cry during orgasms? Yes/No/Mommy Didn’t Love Me!

A description of your sexual stamina level is Bill Schulz/Limp/Pervotard/SuperFreak

Are you able to put on a condom using the French method? No/Yes/Huh?

A further requirement is to possess the ability to look fetching in a shorty robe. These will be provided and you have several options to choose from. They are as follows: Satin, Kitten Fur, Puppy Fur, Skin of Baby Birds, and Muskrat. One size fits most…Hole in the back included!

~ALL APPLICANTS MUST UNQUESTIONABLY SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF MISTRESS METALGIRL!~

Application For Housegirl

Are you kinky?   Yes/No/Pervotard/How dare you!

Have you ever been kinky?   Yes/No/Confused

Have you ever considered engaging in kinkiness?   Yes/No/Pervotard

Do you love animals?   Yes/No/Too Much

Does the last question make you think of beastiality?   Yes/No/There’s a reason why I keep farm animals

What size panties do you wear?   Small/Medium/Large/XXXL/What panties?

Would you ever hesitate to demand oral pleasure?   Yes/No/DO IT!!

Are you between the ages of 18 and 60?   Yes/No/Old Enough

Are you considered to be short?   Yes/No/I make midget porn

Are you Latina? (It’s not a requirement but it helps)   Si/No/I Likey The Dirty Sanchez

Do you have a full head of hair?   Yes/No/I have a lot of fur if that’s what you’re asking

Do you know how to use whips, chains, blindfolds and handcuffs properly?   Yes/No/Pervotard/SHUT UP AND DO WHAT YOU’RE TOLD!

Do any of these questions make you itch? (Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean)   Yes/No/Pervotard/Boy Butter

Are you able to have multiple orgasms?   Yes/No/Pervotard/Oh Yes, Yes, Yes!

Are you able to tell the difference between screams of ecstasy and screams of pain?   Yes/No/Deaf/Stupid/There’s a difference?

Have you ever attacked a man with a foreign object?   Yes/No/GET READY FOR YOUR BEATING!!!

~ALL APPLICANTS WILL BE EXPECTED TO SUBJUGATE THEIR CLIENTS! ~

Applications should be emailed to DogOnCrack@aol.com and should include photos, a short personal history and a resume if available.

Houseboys and Housegirls

Whichever you prefer, there are certain rules for keeping them and they’re different for either or.

I like to keep both myself but that’s beside the point.

For Houseboys : Beat them regularly, feed them only enough to keep them alive and never let them leave the basement.

There’s a reason why locks were invented people.

For Housegirls : Feed them well but not too much unless you like them fat.

Buy them plenty of flowers, jewelry, legwarmers, whips, chains, stuffed animals, etc.

Piss them off only enough to get the right amount of masochistic pleasure you want.

These rules are tried and true.

Trust me!

Operation: Get Clooney ~ part deux

As you may or may not remember, the last time you heard from me I had just captured George Clooney at his favorite “secret place”, The ManHole. He had just finished his roofie-colada, and was beginning to feel a little more “relaxed” than usual. My houseboy Gerardo then gave me the signal to move in. As Clooney began to fall into sleepy-land, we began to put the genital cuff into place. You see, the cuff must be “snug” enough to cut off all flow and production of testosterone which is later transformed into smugness. This is a very dangerous task, and much caution MUST be used! I was tightening the cuff down when suddenly Clooney grabs hold of Gerardo by his g-string, and threatens to strangle him unless I remove the cuff immediately! Split second thinking is crucial in this situation. As Gerardo moans in both agony and ecstasy, Clooney is momentarily distracted. I then grab for the bottle of “civility” (also known as Miller High Life) sitting on the table, and begin pouring it down Clooney’s throat. You see, the yeast in beer helps to keep Clooney under control by lessening the strength of his smugness. Oh yeah, and it makes him burn and itch down south. So it could be said that George Clooney is a giant walking yeast infection!

 Clooney slowly begins to release his grip on poor Gerardo’s g-string, allowing him to escape Cloonster’s grasp. He falls back into his chair and we are able to finish adjusting the genital cuff, putting it properly into place. With Clooney back under control I signal my midget houseboy PePe to quickly pull up in the alley behind the bar. We drag him outside and throw him in the trunk of the SmugMobile (which is a Cadillac specially customized to withstand Clooney’s smugness.) With our mission almost accomplished, we speed off to the “Dungeon” to prepare Clooney for permanent smugness removal. More as the story unfolds….*evil laugh*

Feed Your Wild Side ~ volume 1

Hey,know what’s funny?? BUTTCRACKS!!!!!! LOL  I’m gonna tell you about one of the funniest days I have ever had in any workplace EVER! Ok, I work for Jack Link’s Beef Jerky plant, and I had just arrived that morning for my shift. I always get there early so I can eat breakfast and have a couple smokes before work. I had just walked out to the smoking area and lit up a smoke. Only one other person was out there, Carlos, a Puerto Rican kid who doesn’t speak English very well. Of course that doesn’t bother me, I will corner anyone and start talking to them whether they comprende or not! HA! So it’s about 5:20am, andthe plant manager Jeremy comes out to light up also. So, as I have Carlos trapped at the table yapping away to him (He looked very nervous, come to think of it…) Jeremy turns his back to us and bends over to pick something up off the floor. As he bends down, his t-shirt rides up and his  pants slide down far enough to expose at least 6 to 8 inches of his greasy buttcrack! HAHA! Carlos noticed first, his face just went blank, and his eyes got HUGE like he had just seen something so horrifying, it would scar him permanently. Indeed he did. I looked over and could not believe how pink, and blotchy this guy’s ass was!!! I tried SOOOOOOOO hard NOT to start laughing, but as it became physically painful to hold it in, I totally lost it. I looked at Carlos, looked back at Jeremy’s fat ass and started laughing uncontrollably and throwing stuff at his buttcrack, and telling him that if he plans to shake it a little more that I have a dollar for him!!! LMAO! He starts laughing too, and his face turned beet red. I pointed out that his face looks as red as his ass…..How come? That was how my day STARTED!

Just before lunch, I was talking shit with one of the mechanics there, douchebag Jamie. He says, “I bet I can embarrass you bad enough to make you not even wanna make eye contact with me.” Obviously this idiot doesn’t know me, or what I’m capable of. Heh So I said, “Fuck you Reno, GO FOR IT!”(Reno is his last name) He holds his hand up to me and is only holding out his index finger, middle finger, and pinky. He says,” Ya know what that stands for?” I said, “Of course I do, DO YOU?” He gets a deer in the headlights look on his face, and asks, “What do YOU think it means?” I said,”It stands for 2 in the pink and 1 in the stink!” He immediately starts laughing so hard that he starts crying like a little girl, and turns beet ass red! He said he knew what it meant but didn’t have a name for it! How funny is that?  Old lady Wanda who is running the machine Jamie is working on starts laughing hysterically as well. (She’s a dirty old lady, but that’s why I like her! ha!) I said, “That’s ok Reno. I forgive you, you just didn’t know who you were up against!” He still swears he can embarass me. I still haven’t figured out why the hell it’s sooooo fucking important to him. What a douche. Ha!

It’s about 1:45pm, and I’m on the last break of the day. So I walk out to the smoking area, and there’s a bunch of Puerto Rican dudes out there laughing and yipping some stuff off in Spanish. There is a fat guy out there with them eating a container of raspberry yogurt, and a banana. They say something to him in Spanish and he immediately starts laughing so hard that he makes his raspberry yogurt come through his nose! LOL! Some of it sprayed down the front of his shirt and on the guy sitting next to him!! IT WAS CLASSIC!!!! LMFAO!!

So you see people, moments like this are why I desparately need my camera phone back!! Sadly it is away being repaired. Hopefully I will have it back VERY FUCKING SOON as it has been getting fixed now for about 2 months! Also that day, come to think of it, old lady Wanda asked me where the most conspicuous place I’ve ever had sex was. I told you, she’s a DIRTY old lady! HAHAHAHA!!  

This is only the first of many volumes to come of my stupid, yet entertaining days at work. Who would of thought that a factory job could be so funny? It only gets better…..trust me!

A Warm Introduction

 

Hi! This is me…I’m MetalGirl! Glad you could stop by and check me out! I must warn you that I talk alot of SHIT and this site is not for the faint of heart, the easily offended, or the stupid. Stupid people won’t get it anyway, so fuck em! LOL Ok anyway, back to what I was saying. I’m just a chick from the midwest, South Dakota to be exact, who is 44 and still Hot, and is completely FED UP with the public stupidity of celebrities, the fact that George Clooney and Charlie Sheen are still allowed to act/live, and last but certainly not least, the public AND private stupidity of our fascist/socialist President and his little gang of Marxists!

A little more background about me is… I LOVE 80′s HEAVY METAL, shirtless conservative men, MIDGETS,  candy, and oh yeah, guns. The things you will see here may cause extreme excitement, and laughter. I am not responsible for the peeing of anyones pants, nor am I responsible for the pooping of them either! With that in mind, all I can say is CONTROL YOURSELVES PEOPLE!! geez… Ok so lets get started shall we????? *evil laugh*